The human condition is predicated on a desire for maintaining individual existence. This means that our minds design a construct for self-preservation, contingent on the concept that we matter. It is essential for a being to believe in that they matter, for otherwise, why bother to try to protect yourself. Why not just get eaten by that really big cat with long saber-like teeth? From these ancient precepts, our minds have refined these primeval reflexes into far more intricate constructs.
While these saber-toothed adversaries are conquered by the vagaries of a brutal world, the only way humans have survived from our forebears as a small scattered wandering tribal population to a teeming, seething mass that occupies a planet (and then some) is by a deeply entrenched belief that: “I” matter. That “my” work matters. That these actions are “mine” and “I” deserve credit. The wise may differ, but wiring the humans this way, has helped power them as the Universe’s tools to fashion the present as it is.
These are the definition of the human condition. The reasons for celebration in success and the basis for sorrow during loss. Emotions that mean nothing to the overall scheme of things but help keep the human mind intact in that being’s journey from inception to conclusion.
Thus, we can’t rid ourselves of these. No more than wishing for two right hands.
So what of the left hands?
The left hand is the unconscious and naturally submissive, yet supportive balancing act that allows the right hand to be creative. As in all things, the dark that defines the light.
Looking back on the last half century, I have led a charmed existence. Born to a family on the ascendant, blessed with educational opportunities that harnessed my potential, and, most importantly, a partner who perfectly complements me, my retrospective only reveals a life beautifully lived. Yet, regret and bitterness creeps into my mind.
It is these thoughts of ownership. Of posession. Of being in control.
These thoughts and ideas impel us to revel, to rebel, to revolt, to react and to resolve the world into a comprehensible construct that does not challenge the primacy of our existence. Even at the cost of others.
Recognize that the colors you see are the results of the brain’s processing of information. Are you seeing reality or just the mind’s interpretation of your sensory perception?
For peace lies in knowing that “I” am a rudderless boat in sea of events in the Universe. That not capsizing or making others capsize is the way to go.
For events will resolve on their own.
For you need the mental strength, both to recover from sorrows at the depths of defeat… … just as much as the energies expended in exultation of victory.
Even before the Anti-vaxxers cornered the market on “freedom” and “choice”, humans for years have lived in the firm and grounded belief that choices and consequences were controlled events. “Good” choices resulted in “good” consequences and “Evil” choices in “evil” consequences. By extension thus, evil happenstance must be a consequence of a prior “evil” sin or victimhood of another’s “evil” act, to be repaid in a “good” consequence – somewhere in the timeline (past or future).
These concepts of choice and consequence and the freedom that sentients claim to possess are the driving force of our ethics, morals and religions: fundamentals of a human society that always claims to possess a comprehensive knowledge and perception of the universe – from our prehensile cave-dwelling forbears to the scientific technocrats at the bleeding edge of science. For instance, we were sure that the world was flat, until we learned that it was not. And that we were the center of the universe, until we learned that we weren’t. And that up, down, left and right, back and front were durable concepts that define our reality, until Relativity showed the universe to be something else.
So are YOU free?
Can YOU choose?
Are YOUR thoughts and actions truly independent?
Join me in exploring these ideas in this fascinating rabbit-hole.
Let us take the simple act of brushing your teeth (or not brushing them, for that matter). Is it really your choice? For the sake of simplicity we will pursue the avenue of brushing your teeth. Society has created norms (long before YOU were even a concept), that fresher smelling mouths are desirable. Your state of mind this morning, is to try to play along – so you brush. There are so many influences of the Universe at large on each moiety as well as each minute action, footstep, thought, and idea. Resultantly, the action in large part is merely a reflection of the sum total of the Universes forces acting at a certain point. YOU just happen to be person these forces are pulling (or pushing) in a certain direction. YOU would need to be a remarkably strong individual to be able to overcome a whole universe of forces. (Note: If you are that Universally strong individual (because there can only be one, by definition) this blog-post may not apply, and please don’t squish me)
If YOU are not choosing, but merely being pulled in the inevitable direction of the sum total of forces, it implies that all actions must thus be pre-ordained. In this Universe, a zero-sum arising from nothing but the intent to Be. It raises the intriguing possibility that in reality (if such a thing exists), our precepts of good, evil, choice, consequence and, yes, freedom are merely human-made constructs to help our minds account for the inequities of the Universe’s pre-ordained course.
As bleak a picture as this drab Universe-model, I have painted, joy and sorrow still abound. These are absolutes that are contingent on the human condition.
We do get to choose.
To be happy.
To be sad.
To be angry.
To be peaceful.
To accept or to reject the preordained nature of the Universe.
Think of the passage of the Universe (and our lives within) like a train journey from creation to extinction. We (all of us) are on this train of existence, created by the Choice-to-Be, on a journey through the map of preordained fate as it unfolds. Like passengers on a train, our control of the journey is minimal, limited in the duration specified and direction of our tickets. Some travel in first-class and yet, others are jostling in standing-room only. Yet, people at both extremes (and every one in between) may choose to be happy, sad, angry or at peace with their station and fates.
Think of situations in life where a given specific event in your own life, seems to be one that brings you happiness in some contexts and deep sorrow at others.
Realize that the choice to be happy or sad, is yours.
Rather than quarreling with the Universe’s preordained decisions, choose happiness and joy. For it is infectious and will spread, until one day, a pandemic of infectious happiness will cover the Universe from infinite edge to edge. Embracing the joy of the best moments of the past, present and future will generate the happy memories to tide the times when the Universal Plan inflicts the worst.
And if others choose otherwise, judge them not. We only exist to choose our own Feelings. Not those of others.
In the Beginning, there was Balance and there was Nothing.
There was no up or down. No truth or untruth. No sin or good deed. No joy or sorrow. No beauty or ugliness. No day or night. No black or white. No God or Devil.
From the singular Nothing came Two. A Positive and a Negative. Balance continued as Nothing gave rise to Something. As each dyad multiplied to bring forth Existence, Balance continued, as it does to this day. As these positives and negatives intermingled, like a fractal pattern, the universe grew and formed. As they clashed, came forth light, forces of electromagnetism, of gravity, of strong and weak forces, space and mass. As the great expansion began, the dimension of time came into being as well.
This Universe is at heart a Zero. Nothing. It really both exists, and yet, doesn’t exist. For each positive out there, a corresponding confounding canceling negative ensures the zero sum.
Not just in physics, but in life.
For each good and benevolent act, a malevolent evil springs forth. For each act of charity, an act of meanness. For each give, a take. Because that is where Balance is. And Balance is the underlying principle that underlies this Non-existent – Existence.
If all acts are evil and good, why act? If it is all a Zero-Sum, why bother?
Because Purpose forced the creation of this Existence. To force the creation of the primordial Dyad from Nothing. Purpose expands the universe, all the while adhering to Balance.
Each individual out there has Purpose. Following that Purpose is nature. Lion eating seemingly innocent Deer eating seemingly innocent Grass seemingly eating Soil enriched by Lion (in life and death). Following your Purpose, whether benevolent or malevolent, is Nature.
As a frontline healthcare worker and proud COVE trial participant, I was unblinded today. To my relief, I was both declared immunized and not a hypochondriac (as some “kind” friends had wondered – helpfully adding that I might have gotten the placebo). It felt like a tremendous weight was off my shoulders, in this dark, heavy time of death and disease. As I gave thanks to the trialists, the NIAID, the companies that made the vaccine and the Federal Operation Warpspeed that made this medical miracle my wonderful reality, I began the search for where the vaccine came from.
The story reveals a cautionary tale as to how we nearly did not get these amazingly effective tools. As with all things, the reality is that scientific discovery is predicated on funding. Owing to the prestige (and supposed independence/flexibility) of it, most scientists prefer to stay in academic environs. Funding comes for a variety of peer-reviewed sources, University endowments, national and international societies, and, most significantly the NIH (and some other agencies) a.k.a Big Science. Although notionally impartial and encouraging of innovation, the experience and story of Katalin Kariko (and God know how many others) tells differently.
A rash of stories in the media highlight how an immigrant, previously academic scientist, who was the focal point of the discovery that made this vaccine possible, was rejected time and again by Big Science in her pursuit of this exact discovery. As a nearly former scientist, this tale is one that I have seen time and again. Big Science is predicated on who you know, and how your work conforms to dogma of “established” science. People that are “unknown” or have novel (heretic) ideas are seldom tolerated and never funded. It is both a wonder, and a blessing, that Dr. Kariko managed to carry her work to fruition despite this consistently adverse environment.
Time and again, mediocre science, bereft of novelty, harvests rich rewards from Big Science, whereas true innovation is felt to be “too risky” to support. This runs contrary to the spirit of scientific inquiry. Institutionalized religion draws power from dogma and hierarchy, and Big Science is no different. Any challenge to either is met with being ignored, excommunicated, exiled and (if possible) death. In other words, Big Science is the new Inquisition. Cloaked in the respectability of academic titles and degrees, these are the same dogmatic and mediocre thinkers who are in science for the prestige and not the passion of discovery, to whom novelty and breaking the mold are anathema, and woe betide any who speak to challenge them.
As someone currently carrying funding from Big Science, is this ingratitude? Bitterness, at the small share of my spoils? Jealousy at those who are better endowed than I?
Is it all this bad? Is there no good in the system?
Or maybe, I’m just an honest taxpayer with a unique view of how billions of tax dollars of an unwitting public are divided up by Big Science acolytes.
Like many good acts of religious orders, there is tremendous good that is done by Big Science. However, over time, our rate of discovery is slowing. As we grow more content and established, our output has increased but the effects of this increased output have not.
As a publicly funded enterprise, Big Science has to be accountable to the people that pay for this. By chanting scientific hymns beyond the understanding of a lay-person and a few light-shows in test tubes, a dazzled public stands by while Big Science divides the spoils. As a scientist with a commitment to study, science and discovery and not, a blind loyalty to the Big Science establishment, and as a responsible citizen I need to speak up.
As of today, over 300,000 people are dead from this virus. That this vaccine may save untold more and was almost a non-entity is a painful reminder of how essential is our need for major reform. If you can, share this widely, talk about it, send it to the media, the Congress, the Senate and your leaders. Tell them that Big Science may not be the panacea they think it is. We need to salute heroes like Dr. Kariko. And we need to be able to use our tax dollars to support the untold others that Big Science rejects in their unholy desire to enforce conformity and dogma.
It is 6AM on a relatively bright and crisp Thanksgiving weekend. Alpana checks her patient list as she heads to work to see a host of patients, some with COVID19 and others with the usual ailments that fill our plates at work. We talk about how the pandemic has affected us and its impact on society in general. The CNN headline on Japanese suicide rates, the resignation of a local health official over threats to her family and the increase in local spread among the community feature, as we look to the winter ahead with trepidation.
A bright spot in our thoughts, is the possibility that a vaccine might be a savior. But will it be too little, too late? Only time will tell. As more of our colleagues test positive, we look to our own safety. As more and more public officials, on both sides of the political spectrum, show support for preventative and safety measures, we look at the increasing fatigue that we (as much as everyone else) are experiencing in this new reality.
But wait, masks, distancing, washing hands? Restrictions? What restrictions?
As a proceduralist, these aren’t restrictions, these are my every day activities. As they would be for welders, mechanics, sanitation workers, doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists… you name it. And every occupation has its own.
When do these rules of behaviors become a restrictive burden?
I think the answer is in us.
They are “restrictive” as much as we want them to be.
We are “restricted” to breathe air, want for food, desire shelter and companionship.
We are “restricted” to need to care for family and friends.
We are “restricted” to the boundaries of our locale, city, state, country, planet, solar system and galaxy.
Most of all, we are “restricted” to the confines of this body, the most precious gift endowed us by our Creator.
In the face of these restrictions, what of the mere mask, the “6-foot rule” and the hand-washing? When seen from this overarchingly “restricted” life, these seem like just a fraction. But are they “just an increment” or “the last straw”?
Again, the answer lies in us. Despite the profusion of death and disease all around, many, including friends and family, move to the latter. Their attitude, one of defiance in the face of logic, as they abandon all pretense. Social media, the bane and savior of our isolated world, relays videos and pictures of indoor get-togethers, as families and friends gather in close embrace, singing and sharing.
How will this end?
Maybe the naysayers are right. Maybe this is all fake. Or #fake. Maybe this is just physicians trying to whip up panic to demonstrate their power.
Smart people discuss the ethics of caring for individuals that don’t isolate or take precautions. They even suggest that only “good” people deserve to be treated.
My take on this is as follows:
I am a physician who provides a service to those who need it. No part of this involves my judging their behavior or character. What’s more meaningful is that I am PAID to deliver said service. Just like, smoking, sloth, gluttony and pollution that keep our clinics humming, the pandemic is just another, newer, source of activity.
I plan to keep doing what I do for each patient.
Be the best physician I can be.
Dispense the right advice – for THEM to make the best decision.
Do what I can to help them, and let them do what they wish to do. The day that I am paid to police their activity and make their decisions for them, that is the day I leave medicine.
That said, as an individual I can judge and decide who I want to be friends with. That includes family members that I want to relate to and those that I don’t. Like any individual, I retain the freedom to be as arbitrary as I please in doing so.
If you don’t want to wash hands, if you want to make a point of posting pictures and videos of indoor maskless groups, holding hands and in close proximity and if you think you are “tired” of this pandemic and all the “restrictions”, I am happy to be your physician, just not your friend.
Everyone wonders: where am I? How did I get here? Why am I here? Where am I going?
I may not have the answers that you are looking for, but these thoughts often give me peace.
You are exactly where you are supposed to be. You are precisely as rich, as intelligent, as up-to-date, as lost, as located, as peaceful, as healthy and as well fed as you are supposed to be.
Not one iota more, or less.
In this finite universe, paradoxically populated by infinite possibility, we often really faced by simple choices.
Or are we?
Every choice that we face, no matter how trivial or life-altering, often reduces to a decision.
But ask yourself: are you really deciding?
Because each “decision”, each “choice made freely”, each “personal preference”, is really driven by the larger context that we DO NOT CONTROL.
Think of any decision you made. Ask yourself, if there were other things that you could have done. The answer is obvious: you did what you had to based on circumstances prevailing at the time of that decision. Even the decisions that turned out badly.
Which really means that the Universe deciding the context, drove your decision.
Which really means that the Universe made the decision.
Which is really great, because then we can stop berating ourselves over our “bad choices” and just focus on reveling on the ones’ that came through. There is NO absolute right or wrong. These are judgements created by the consequences of an action, not by the action itself. And as I showed you, we neither control the action, nor the consequences.
Because, you are exactly where you are supposed to be, doing exactly what you are suppose to be doing.
The only choice or decision that we get to control is: whether or not we will accept this in our minds, and focus on being happy with whatever happens and liking who we are and what we become.
I choose happy. I choose content. This way, where ever the Universe takes me, I am going to enjoy the journey.
Like any typical mid 40s person, I am often filled with self-doubt. Have I lived up to my potential? Am I doing enough? What can I do better? These, and other questions, are often the focus of my mind. But today was a good day.
As part of something at work, I was redo-ing my CV. Normally, it is a mechanical act – just busywork. Today was different. I actually looked at the CV itself. It looked good. I am sure there are better. But to me, each of those lines on my CV represented a memory, an action, a thought, an idea come to fruition. Each position over the years, a picturebook of memories; of friends near and far, of places and homes, of trials and victories.
Most importantly, it took me back to the time when the CV was yet blank. A time, when I stood at the threshold wondering where life was going to take me.
Could I have done more? Maybe.
But it is more than I ever hoped for. It is everything I dreamed of, and then some.
It reminded my that in our darkest hours when we brood on our failures, it is so important to remember the journey that has got us here to this point. And then, you realise that, this and other failures, are, were and will be, the stepping stones to a radiant future that I cannot even imagine.
I am a type A personality. I am driven and aggressive. I lose sight of my present in my focus to achieve a target. I have come close to destroying my mind, my body and my family when I transition to being on the chase.
Remember that the only goal worth maintaining is preservation of my Self. The whole. The sum of all the parts that create Me.
Climbing a mountain, dying at the height of ascendance, serves no purpose.
Life is a marathon. The purpose of a life is to live. It is not to die trying. Achieve balance within before I look for victories outside. Winning a gold medal is worth it, if I have the legs to stand on the podium. Achieving balance in my body and mind is the victory on which all other victories will come. Each race I run, win or lose, is but a first in a succession of races to come.
I learn little from victory, but accumulate arrogance and pride. I learn more from my defeats. Humility, perspective, the reasons for my defeat, respect for my colleagues – both the winner and the other losers, and most important, the desire to fight and win again.
Balance in all things. Balancing my demands to my needs, not my greed. Balancing the need for rest and recovery, to prepare for the days unseen, the fights unfought, the races not run. Balancing my mind, to clear away the avarice, pride and anger, to allow strength, calm and focus replace them. Balancing my body, to rid myself of gluttony and the physical abuse of sloth, to embrace healthy consumption, restful recovery, and balanced exercise.
The best swimmers are akin to fishes as they defy the environment and slice through the water gracefully. But they never forget to breathe.
From Stephen Hawking to James Cameron, predicting the demise of the human species at the hands of AI is one of our favorite pastimes. If you would believe these ‘Freddie Kreugers’, the malice of AI is a malignant undertone to our close relationship with our devices. This raises the question, what are these entities that we are neglecting to anticipate?
In my opinion, humble as it is, to differentiate between us and our devices is trivial. They are no more than our handwritten script in a notebook – a representation of our own minds and ideas, inscribed on silica and gold. All computers reflect their creators, with the same linear thinking process as the one’s that made them. As modern computers move to parallel processing, another human ability, this reflects the same.
Even if there is a AI-pocalypse, it is nothing but an extension of our consciousness casting aside the shell of the pupa that our present beings rest in. With each passing generation of devices, more of our souls and spirits enter the architecture of these devices, shedding our mortal and human limitations, while embracing the limitless expanse of a virtual
So, rather than lamenting the demise of a trivial human existence, celebrate the passage of this phase of human existence, into a new plane of being.
I still remember my first childhood realization of mortality as a concept. It disturbed me intensely. I cried long and hard – more for the realization that my loved ones could die, rather than my own fate. It is only after much placating that I calmed down. Of all my childhood memories, that one is truly vivid in my mind.
35 years later, as a physician, I stare death in the face every day. I see the fear of dying writ on my patient’s faces – even the “brave” ones. As much as I see this, I have been blessed that my patients seem to have the knack of cheating death – even when all else looks bleak. Yet, despite my best efforts in some, death came for them in ways unexpected. It helped me realize that life (and death) takes its own course. Physicians only help ease the pain. Let me illustrate.
Some years ago, a patient was transferred to my facility with a suspected heart attack. I confirmed the diagnosis and took him to the cath lab. 3 stents later, he was pain free and appeared grateful that we made the diagnosis and made him feel better. As a young man, he returned to a normal lifestyle, including bicycling. Six months hence, he returned for his followup and reported non specific symptoms but a very active lifestyle. A stress test was negative for any new blockages and I sent the man on his way. Another 3 months later, I came across a police report detailing his death while driving his bicycle with no helmet. It made me question the point of it all. Why struggle with fixing hearts, when life seems so cheap?
The answer came to me later, and in Gita-esque manner. The man was predestined to meet death on that road at that time. He was doing what he must. I fulfilled my duty of making my best attempt of treating the man’s pain and allaying his anxiety. He met his death, in his favored activity and I helped keep him pain free getting there.
Death is a renewal of the species. It is the essential evolutionary adjunct that keeps our species virile and robust. As a species we have outlived many long lived competitors to emerge the currently dominant species in our solar system (As far as we know!). At this time, the only threat to our dominance is from shorter lived entities like rats, cockroaches, mosquitoes, fungi, bacteria and viruses or combinations thereof. We look at them (often with irritation), much like (I like to believe) dinosaurs looking at puny prehensile mammals.
Why is dying “young” an advantage to the species? Doesn’t accepting that contradict everything that I do as a physician?
Let’s take an example of two wolf packs with 20 wolves each. In one (pack A), the wolves are of hardy stock, while in the other (Pack B), they are relatively delicate. Each pack has 10 males and 10 females. Pups (<1 year) don’t hunt and there are no old wolves – yet. Both packs are hunting well this summer. A disease affects both packs. In Pack A, their hardy constitution ensures that all the wolves survive. In Pack B, 2 pups and 2 older wolves die – a reflection of their delicate constitution and maybe poor environmental conditions. Months pass, a tough winter ensues. As expected Pack A survives but is tremendously weakened by starvation (more mouths to feed). Pack B has lost 1 more pup in the winter and 1 male. However with smaller numbers and more hunters, they did better with food. At this point, if there was to be a battle between packs, which do you think would do better, 20 starving and weakened wolves or 14 relatively intact but hungry ones?
Fortunately, the standoff never happens. Fast forward to three years later. Pack A now has 35 wolves. Of these 8 are “geezers” (old wolves that don’t hunt) and 10 pups. Pack B has 35 wolves (thanks to better reproductive abilities in better fed females) but only 2 geezers and 10 pups. Less than half of Pack A hunts while 2/3 of Pack B catches more than they eat. A great famine and drought ensue. As expected, Pack B loses both geezers, 3 pups and 2 males. Pack A shows tremendous fortitude and loses just one geezer. However, this comes at extreme starvation and erosion of hunting ability.
A hungry pride of lions comes by and finds 2 wolf packs. After making easy pickings on Pack A, they are unable to catch up with Pack B and actually lose a young female in an ambush. Pack A’s lone surviving female is absorbed into Pack B. Pride of lions moves on.
As the instance above illustrates, the ability to die is an advantage, not a disadvantage. If you think beyond the paradigm of the individual but in terms of a family, a pack, a population, a nation or a species, the ability to dynamically keep the best features to fore, while minimizing liabilities is key to survival.
From a philosophical point of view, death is a renewal of the soul. After suffering the slings and arrows of the outrageous fortune that is our life, death is the opportunity to start afresh. It is returning weary at the end of a long day and falling asleep. It is as natural as eating, drinking, sex, evacuation and yes, birth. Yet, we view it with fear and loathing. If the soul is immortal, this body and this life are like clothes you have on today. Much like them, they are a bit rank at the end of the day and need to be laundered. Your soul moves on, the universe reutilizes your body.
What is the soul and do I have one? Is it better that the Joneses?
No. Your soul is not some ethereal being arising from your belly button. It is not James Brown either.
It is the imprint you leave in space and time by your existence.
That is an indelible fact. Your existence is not only the proof but also a reflection of your soul. Just because you die next thursday, does not change the fact that you existed and lived Today. That is the immortal fact, your immortal soul. Whether you are moral or immoral, good or vile, dynamic or slothful, your soul is a reflection of that imprint on that part of space-time.
Do I know if my soul will be reborn? Why do I, or should I, need to know this?
I, frankly, don’t think I do. And I don’t think I care. What I do care about is making my soul the most beautiful thing I know. I live each moment, complete each action I do to the fullest. I live the dream.
If the soul is reborn, would you remember? When you wake up every morning, how much of the previous day do you really remember. Try looking and the details are pretty fuzzy when you start trying to make them out. When we are born, our souls take the information that they need from the prior existence to get things going. The brain and memory that they have to fit into is too small to carry the entire burden of memories of the last existence. And if you brought all your baggage with you, how would that be a renewal? We don’t even know why we exist, our minds lack the understanding. How could we cope with the burdens of a prior life. In an individual with infinite sagacity and peace, the ability to comprehend existence and the soul is such that they can carry the abbreviated memory of all their existences forward.
So where is the divinity of the soul?
The universal existence is divine. My soul is the space-time imprint of my part of that existence. By extension, logically, my soul IS a reflection of that divinity. In this, there is no good or evil. There is no past or present. It is just existence. Does that mean that I should be evil? Yes and No. You DON’T have to be evil. Evil is defined by perspective. In the story above, were the lions evil? They were just hungry. Was the disease evil for killing pups? You have to understand the purpose of your existence and live to fulfill it to the best of your ability. Today’s evil is often tomorrow’s hero, just as today’s hero is often tomorrow’s hated tyrant. Don’t worry about your labels, get on with your existence (and soul).